My Favorite China Moments Thus Far

As someone who has lived in China for five months altogether, after a while you start picking up on certain trends or cultural facets that can only be described as "China Moments". What is meant by this is a certain instance of behavior that is so outlandish and weird that it could only happen in the relatively unregulated developing world. Before I go on, let me mention that these observations are not meant to castigate China or imply that the Chinese are inferior to Westerners/Americans in general; they are merely to point out that certain cultures have not gotten the memo on certain things.

This first post contains the stories:

"Caution: Floor Slippery When Pee-Soaked"
The largest foreign supermarket in China is the French-owned Carrefour, in both number of stores and the size of each particular location. This is the place where the middle/upper-middle class in China goes to do their shopping in a pseudo-Western style atmosphere that involves chicken feet in the meat market. While walking into the store on a Wednesday afternoon, I stopped suddenly at the front entrance of the store and was apparently the only person appalled at what was going on: not two feet to my left was a child of about four, with his pants down, peeing right on the welcome mat (and probably getting urine on my New Balances. Not cool, you little shit.)
"Well this is likely because the kid is unattended with no authority figure present", I thought to myself. Nope. Right behind him was a person who appeared to be his older brother, calmly directing the toddler as to what imaginary fire should be put out next. Bear in mind, little kids peeing whereever the hell they so choose is common practice in China. Barbaric, right? Maybe, until you realize where they're coming from. In China, most people have never had the disposable income for a convenience such as Pampers. As a result, kids clothes come with a flap on it so that they can make number 1 or 2 when nature calls (though hopefully down a sewer grate or in a bush as opposed to plain sight.) Would it be nice if they had a waste collection pouch stapled to their leg? Yeah. But I doubt bratty American kids would do any better without diapers.

"Balls to the Bench"
One of my initial concerns upon arriving in Wuxi, China was the presence of a gym in the vicinity. As it turns out, there is a fitness club that looks suspiciously like a California villa called "Better" not a ten minute drive away from where I live where Chinese and expats alike go to flex in front of mirrors and run in place. This place has it all, cute staff (female, you homophobe), helpful trainers (male, you misogynist) and ping-pong tables on the top floor. One thing I was not prepared for was how some Chinese men conduct themselves in a state of undress. Today, I saw a heavyset man calmly walking back down to the lockerroom in nothing but his underwear/compression shorts. That means he took off almost all his clothes and walked around in plain sight where all the cardio machines are. You are fat and middle-aged buddy, put a tent on the circus.
My favorite part however was when I actually made my way into the locker room: there is a bench right next to a fan when you walk in where everyone likes to cool off after working out. Seated on the bench was yet another fat, middle-aged man with his nether regions firmly plastered on the wooden bench, a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Gatorade in the other. He looked at me wearing my Under Armour and iPod strapped to my arm. I looked at him wearing his birthday suit and wang strapped to the bench. After a five second-long curious cultural exchange stare, I went to my locker and decided to come back next week with Chinese rice liquor (baijiu) to sanitize the place where he sat.

"The Food"
China's cuisine is a fascinating case study in that for every dish they have which you could eat every day, there is a corresponding one that looks and tastes like Satan's anus. Ironically, the best food in China comes from the various ethnic minorities or the Taiawanese proving that historical repression = good food no matter where you are (read: African-Americans). To call "typical" Chinese food eclectic would be an insult to the Chinese; since I arrived in September I've already had toad, jellyfish and chicken feet. If you're wondering why so many foreigners stick to Kung Pao chicken, this is probably why. The best food I've had here has been from a hole in the wall restaurant run by a Uighur family (the Uighurs are a Muslim ethnic minority in Xinjiang Province) and their food is fucking delicious. Like the Greeks, the Uighurs realized early on that lamb, when prepared right is naturally tastier than any other kind of meat and like the Greeks, they staved off a million Persians at Thermopylae in 540 B.C.E. Only kidding. Uighur food is prepared simply but consistently with seasonings and marinades that are so good they could probably cook poop with them and the only thing I'd say is "well...I guess I'll wait until next week to eat it again." Moreover, the people at the restaurant have grown to appreciate the fact that I pay them enough to put their children through school. Hopefully this will be enough to prevent them from spitting in my food when they're having a bad day a la "Waiting".