As someone who has lived in China for five months altogether, after a while you start picking up on certain trends or cultural facets that can only be described as "China Moments". What is meant by this is a certain instance of behavior that is so outlandish and weird that it could only happen in the relatively unregulated developing world. Before I go on, let me mention that these observations are not meant to castigate China or imply that the Chinese are inferior to Westerners/Americans in general; they are merely to point out that certain cultures have not gotten the memo on certain things.
This first post contains the stories:
"Caution: Floor Slippery When Pee-Soaked"
The largest foreign supermarket in China is the French-owned Carrefour, in both number of stores and the size of each particular location. This is the place where the middle/upper-middle class in China goes to do their shopping in a pseudo-Western style atmosphere that involves chicken feet in the meat market. While walking into the store on a Wednesday afternoon, I stopped suddenly at the front entrance of the store and was apparently the only person appalled at what was going on: not two feet to my left was a child of about four, with his pants down, peeing right on the welcome mat (and probably getting urine on my New Balances. Not cool, you little shit.)
"Well this is likely because the kid is unattended with no authority figure present", I thought to myself. Nope. Right behind him was a person who appeared to be his older brother, calmly directing the toddler as to what imaginary fire should be put out next. Bear in mind, little kids peeing whereever the hell they so choose is common practice in China. Barbaric, right? Maybe, until you realize where they're coming from. In China, most people have never had the disposable income for a convenience such as Pampers. As a result, kids clothes come with a flap on it so that they can make number 1 or 2 when nature calls (though hopefully down a sewer grate or in a bush as opposed to plain sight.) Would it be nice if they had a waste collection pouch stapled to their leg? Yeah. But I doubt bratty American kids would do any better without diapers.
"Balls to the Bench"
One of my initial concerns upon arriving in Wuxi, China was the presence of a gym in the vicinity. As it turns out, there is a fitness club that looks suspiciously like a California villa called "Better" not a ten minute drive away from where I live where Chinese and expats alike go to flex in front of mirrors and run in place. This place has it all, cute staff (female, you homophobe), helpful trainers (male, you misogynist) and ping-pong tables on the top floor. One thing I was not prepared for was how some Chinese men conduct themselves in a state of undress. Today, I saw a heavyset man calmly walking back down to the lockerroom in nothing but his underwear/compression shorts. That means he took off almost all his clothes and walked around in plain sight where all the cardio machines are. You are fat and middle-aged buddy, put a tent on the circus.
My favorite part however was when I actually made my way into the locker room: there is a bench right next to a fan when you walk in where everyone likes to cool off after working out. Seated on the bench was yet another fat, middle-aged man with his nether regions firmly plastered on the wooden bench, a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Gatorade in the other. He looked at me wearing my Under Armour and iPod strapped to my arm. I looked at him wearing his birthday suit and wang strapped to the bench. After a five second-long curious cultural exchange stare, I went to my locker and decided to come back next week with Chinese rice liquor (baijiu) to sanitize the place where he sat.
"The Food"
China's cuisine is a fascinating case study in that for every dish they have which you could eat every day, there is a corresponding one that looks and tastes like Satan's anus. Ironically, the best food in China comes from the various ethnic minorities or the Taiawanese proving that historical repression = good food no matter where you are (read: African-Americans). To call "typical" Chinese food eclectic would be an insult to the Chinese; since I arrived in September I've already had toad, jellyfish and chicken feet. If you're wondering why so many foreigners stick to Kung Pao chicken, this is probably why. The best food I've had here has been from a hole in the wall restaurant run by a Uighur family (the Uighurs are a Muslim ethnic minority in Xinjiang Province) and their food is fucking delicious. Like the Greeks, the Uighurs realized early on that lamb, when prepared right is naturally tastier than any other kind of meat and like the Greeks, they staved off a million Persians at Thermopylae in 540 B.C.E. Only kidding. Uighur food is prepared simply but consistently with seasonings and marinades that are so good they could probably cook poop with them and the only thing I'd say is "well...I guess I'll wait until next week to eat it again." Moreover, the people at the restaurant have grown to appreciate the fact that I pay them enough to put their children through school. Hopefully this will be enough to prevent them from spitting in my food when they're having a bad day a la "Waiting".
Friday, October 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wo Zhongyu Lai Zhongguo (I Finally Arrive in China)
Ahh yes, after weeks of waiting I've made it from the D all the way to Wuxi, China (about an hour train ride from Shanghai). After arriving Monday afternoon at the eerily empty Shanghai national airport, I was met by a driver from Wuxi who carried me off to the school in a black sedan with 100% tinted windows...yeah, it was pretty pimp. Wuxi is a "small" city of five million people that is on the up-and-up from just a few years ago. As such, there is a sizeable contingent of foreigners in the city from Korea, the US and Europe. Were it not for the insufferable humidity, I would literally have no complaints about the surroundings, except maybe for the lack of a Best Buy. I'm over here to teach, but from being here one week I've already made a lot of interesting observations about the place. To name a few:
- Chicks dig my accent: I have been told by many of the students and teachers that they like my accent and pronunciation, they said it was very easy to understand and stopped just short of saying this was sexy. I for one was pleasantly surprised, as I had no idea that American accents were appealing per se, I guess they just like my voice because it sort of sounds like the voiceovers you hear on those language CDs.
- In Beijing, people spit everywhere and no one wears shorts, even when it's hot out. In Wuxi, practically no one spits in public and I saw a lot of guys wearing shorts and a minimal number of guys wearing capris which excites me, personally.
- I forgot how smoking hot Chinese girls can be. Fortunately, they all usually congregate in clubs on the weekend. Unfortunately, they really like keeping to themselves and drinking whiskey/green tea cocktails instead of going out and dancing. It's wierd.
- On a related note, I have a theory that every club in China is exactly the same. Pretty big, even by American standards, but a very small dance floor. Most of the club is taken up by tables where groups of people go and get bottle service. There's not a lot of dancing and mingling, which makes me wonder why the fuck people go out to them in the first place. The ambient noise provided by Hollaback Girl remixes can't be that good.
- My younger students told me they thought I was 35. I told them I was 22. They were shocked. One of the little boys in the class said my butt was big. Believe it or not, I took it as a complement, it means those dumbbell lunges have finally paid off.
- My toilet overflowed the first day. It was a surreal experience, as I was still jet-lagged and out of my element in a new city and to top it off, there was no plunger in my bathroom. This relates to the larger problem of shitty water pressure in China and hard, un-drinkable water that comes from the faucet and shower. I have since bought a plunger and also learned that toilets clog just from slightly larger than medium-size deuces.
- KFC delivers. It is neat.
- I get a lot of stares when I go to the gym. I'd like to say that it's because the combination of sweating that I do on the walk over and my low-fat diet have made me ripped to pieces, but it's actually because I'm the only person in Wuxi who wears their gym clothes over to the gym. As much as I'd love to change in the locker room, I'll take my chances listening to my iPod in public and being sweaty outside. At least it's easier for cab drivers to quickly identify me as a foreigner with money, so there's that.
- Chicks dig my accent: I have been told by many of the students and teachers that they like my accent and pronunciation, they said it was very easy to understand and stopped just short of saying this was sexy. I for one was pleasantly surprised, as I had no idea that American accents were appealing per se, I guess they just like my voice because it sort of sounds like the voiceovers you hear on those language CDs.
- In Beijing, people spit everywhere and no one wears shorts, even when it's hot out. In Wuxi, practically no one spits in public and I saw a lot of guys wearing shorts and a minimal number of guys wearing capris which excites me, personally.
- I forgot how smoking hot Chinese girls can be. Fortunately, they all usually congregate in clubs on the weekend. Unfortunately, they really like keeping to themselves and drinking whiskey/green tea cocktails instead of going out and dancing. It's wierd.
- On a related note, I have a theory that every club in China is exactly the same. Pretty big, even by American standards, but a very small dance floor. Most of the club is taken up by tables where groups of people go and get bottle service. There's not a lot of dancing and mingling, which makes me wonder why the fuck people go out to them in the first place. The ambient noise provided by Hollaback Girl remixes can't be that good.
- My younger students told me they thought I was 35. I told them I was 22. They were shocked. One of the little boys in the class said my butt was big. Believe it or not, I took it as a complement, it means those dumbbell lunges have finally paid off.
- My toilet overflowed the first day. It was a surreal experience, as I was still jet-lagged and out of my element in a new city and to top it off, there was no plunger in my bathroom. This relates to the larger problem of shitty water pressure in China and hard, un-drinkable water that comes from the faucet and shower. I have since bought a plunger and also learned that toilets clog just from slightly larger than medium-size deuces.
- KFC delivers. It is neat.
- I get a lot of stares when I go to the gym. I'd like to say that it's because the combination of sweating that I do on the walk over and my low-fat diet have made me ripped to pieces, but it's actually because I'm the only person in Wuxi who wears their gym clothes over to the gym. As much as I'd love to change in the locker room, I'll take my chances listening to my iPod in public and being sweaty outside. At least it's easier for cab drivers to quickly identify me as a foreigner with money, so there's that.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The Greatest "Who Would Win" Disputes Settled
Have you ever been in a heated debate with a friend about who would win between Person X and Person Y, then all of a sudden, your counterpart busts out a totally sick argument that leaves you stumped and unable to think of a rebuttal? Well, worry about that no longer, here is my personal (and exhaustively researched) take on who would win between some of the most prominent rivals in the history of the entire fucking world.
The World's Greatest Knight (not named Lancelot or King Arthur) vs. The World's Best Samurai (not named Tom Cruise)
I had this debate back in high school and the results were sort of inconclusive, owing in large part to the fact that a knight and samurai, while similar, fought in two very different fashions. For example, let's assume that the two faced each other on horseback and the samurai was not allowed to use a bow and arrow because that shit would be cheap. If the knight could still use his lance, then I give this to the knight because no matter how good a swordsman the samurai is, the knight has a reach advantage of like, seven feet. However, if they're only using swords, then whether they fight on horseback or on foot, I'd give the match to the samurai. I don't doubt that the knight has skillz that killz, but so does the samurai, who would likely have a better sword and lighter, more flexible armor.
ADVANTAGE: Samurai
Muhammad Ali in his prime vs. Mike Tyson in his prime
I don't think I've ever seen this argument reach any semblance of a conclusion because people are so adamant one way or the other, either because they're nostalgic about Ali or because they watch Iron Mike on YouTube. First of all, let's start with the attributes both of them would bring: Ali's jab was fast, accurate and had insane reach. Mike Tyson was equally fast, and he possessed knockout power in both hands. Ali's defense came mainly from his footwork and his ability to float around the ring so as to not let brawlers like Tyson in too close. Conversely, Tyson's defense was due to his quickness and the high "peekaboo" guard he used while cutting the ring off from opponents who relied on footwork (i.e. Ali). As to the actual fight, let's say they're placed in a regulation size boxing ring for a twelve round bout. Once the first round was underway, I believe Ali would initially be in trouble. Ali had never faced anyone close to the type of physical specimen Tyson represented, whereas by Mike's time, fast heavyweights were more common. Moreover, I don't believe Ali ever faced anyone as fast as him while in his prime, and would likely be overconfident to the point that Tyson could score a lunging knockdown within the first few rounds while Ali "danced" in the ring.
However, once you factor in intangible factors into the fight, the balance tips Ali's way. For one thing, Ali was one of the most intelligent fighters in the history of boxing and had the drive to keep going even when the odds were stacked against him. Tyson, when compared to Ali, was a mental midget in the ring who had a hard time adjusting on the fly against craftier opponents and who usually became dumbfounded once his headlong flurries were parried. For those in Ali's corner, look no further than the match against journeyman Buster Douglas, widely regarded as the greatest upset in the history of the sport. I assume for the sake of argument that Ali would adopt essentially the same strategy of frustrating Tyson by clinching before Tyson could get his feet set and planting jabs once he was well out of the much shorter boxer's range. As a final caveat to this match-up, no one deserves the term "a puncher's chance" more than Mike, so I'd say Ali would win in the later rounds...provided a Tyson left hook didn't result in involuntary jaw removal.
ADVANTAGE: Ali, but barely
Batman (the Christian Bale/cartoon series version) vs. Superman (the Christopher Reeve version)
Let's get one thing out in the open right away: I'm biased towards Batman, but I'll admit that if Superman lands some epic haymaker on Bruce Wayne...it's basically curtains. That being said, Batman has the gadgets, the vehicles and the smarts to hang with (in my opinion) the most cliched superhero of all time. With the physical/superpower advantage clearly belonging to Superman (remember, Batman has NO superpowers), let's also take into account the fact that Supes also had a major Achilles heel, i.e. kryptonite. Anyone who says that Batman wouldn't have the resources or know-how to work that to his advantage best check themselves before they wreck themselves, because that alone could prove to be the decisive factor in this match-up. After getting kicked in the pud by a kryptonite-toed boot, you'd have to figure that Superman's powers would be neutralized long enough for Batman to put the hurt on him in some dark and twisted fashion. But let's say they didn't just meet face to face and start to rumble...even if Superman was trying to get the drop on Batman I don't think he'd succeed. For one thing, even though he could fly, I don't recall ever hearing that Superman could fly at speeds that would somehow make him undetectable to radar; I also don't think Superman could use his heat vision to immolate Batman from a mile away, I've seen no indication that this particular ability is that powerful. And Superman had x-ray vision....yeah, I don't really see that helping here.
ADVANTAGE: Batman, unless he gets lazy and Superman snaps his neck
Pirates vs. Ninjas
Ahh, the quintessential argument of historic rivals which refuses to die thanks to anyone in high school or college. Even if you assume they were both around in the 1600's-1800's, a ninja and "pirate" (in the Johnny Depp sense) probably never crossed blades due to the intercontinental gap between them and this perhaps is the main reason why the argument for both lives on to this day. Let's assume that the world's greatest ninja and the world's greatest pirate faced off against each other in some sort of octagon. I'd allow that if firearms were permitted, the ninja would probably get capped in the dome on account of the fact that the pirate likely is more proficient with flintlock guns. However, if you're talking hand-to-hand....I'm not sure you can argue that a pirate armed with a cutlass and maybe a grenade would be able to take a ninja with a kitana, shuriken, smoke grenades, flash powder and one of those sweet grappling claws.
However, a group deathmatch between comparably matched ninjas and pirates becomes harder to evaluate since both of them preferred combat in unique circumstances, i.e. the high seas and nighttime. So assuming you stuck them both at opposite ends of a coliseum and told them to go at it, you'd be asking for a pretty epic bloodbath, but one in which I think the ninjas would come out on top. Why? Let's assume the teams get the green light and bum rush each other. The pirates would be able to get off two shots at most with their inaccurate Revolutionary War-era pistols and after that, assuming that a good number of ninjas survived the initial volley, it'd basically be curtains. Also, the ninjas could answer with a volley of their own by deploying some epic smoke screens and chucked some throwing stars before-hand.
ADVANTAGE: Ninjas in a pinch
The World's Greatest Knight (not named Lancelot or King Arthur) vs. The World's Best Samurai (not named Tom Cruise)
I had this debate back in high school and the results were sort of inconclusive, owing in large part to the fact that a knight and samurai, while similar, fought in two very different fashions. For example, let's assume that the two faced each other on horseback and the samurai was not allowed to use a bow and arrow because that shit would be cheap. If the knight could still use his lance, then I give this to the knight because no matter how good a swordsman the samurai is, the knight has a reach advantage of like, seven feet. However, if they're only using swords, then whether they fight on horseback or on foot, I'd give the match to the samurai. I don't doubt that the knight has skillz that killz, but so does the samurai, who would likely have a better sword and lighter, more flexible armor.
ADVANTAGE: Samurai
Muhammad Ali in his prime vs. Mike Tyson in his prime
I don't think I've ever seen this argument reach any semblance of a conclusion because people are so adamant one way or the other, either because they're nostalgic about Ali or because they watch Iron Mike on YouTube. First of all, let's start with the attributes both of them would bring: Ali's jab was fast, accurate and had insane reach. Mike Tyson was equally fast, and he possessed knockout power in both hands. Ali's defense came mainly from his footwork and his ability to float around the ring so as to not let brawlers like Tyson in too close. Conversely, Tyson's defense was due to his quickness and the high "peekaboo" guard he used while cutting the ring off from opponents who relied on footwork (i.e. Ali). As to the actual fight, let's say they're placed in a regulation size boxing ring for a twelve round bout. Once the first round was underway, I believe Ali would initially be in trouble. Ali had never faced anyone close to the type of physical specimen Tyson represented, whereas by Mike's time, fast heavyweights were more common. Moreover, I don't believe Ali ever faced anyone as fast as him while in his prime, and would likely be overconfident to the point that Tyson could score a lunging knockdown within the first few rounds while Ali "danced" in the ring.
However, once you factor in intangible factors into the fight, the balance tips Ali's way. For one thing, Ali was one of the most intelligent fighters in the history of boxing and had the drive to keep going even when the odds were stacked against him. Tyson, when compared to Ali, was a mental midget in the ring who had a hard time adjusting on the fly against craftier opponents and who usually became dumbfounded once his headlong flurries were parried. For those in Ali's corner, look no further than the match against journeyman Buster Douglas, widely regarded as the greatest upset in the history of the sport. I assume for the sake of argument that Ali would adopt essentially the same strategy of frustrating Tyson by clinching before Tyson could get his feet set and planting jabs once he was well out of the much shorter boxer's range. As a final caveat to this match-up, no one deserves the term "a puncher's chance" more than Mike, so I'd say Ali would win in the later rounds...provided a Tyson left hook didn't result in involuntary jaw removal.
ADVANTAGE: Ali, but barely
Batman (the Christian Bale/cartoon series version) vs. Superman (the Christopher Reeve version)
Let's get one thing out in the open right away: I'm biased towards Batman, but I'll admit that if Superman lands some epic haymaker on Bruce Wayne...it's basically curtains. That being said, Batman has the gadgets, the vehicles and the smarts to hang with (in my opinion) the most cliched superhero of all time. With the physical/superpower advantage clearly belonging to Superman (remember, Batman has NO superpowers), let's also take into account the fact that Supes also had a major Achilles heel, i.e. kryptonite. Anyone who says that Batman wouldn't have the resources or know-how to work that to his advantage best check themselves before they wreck themselves, because that alone could prove to be the decisive factor in this match-up. After getting kicked in the pud by a kryptonite-toed boot, you'd have to figure that Superman's powers would be neutralized long enough for Batman to put the hurt on him in some dark and twisted fashion. But let's say they didn't just meet face to face and start to rumble...even if Superman was trying to get the drop on Batman I don't think he'd succeed. For one thing, even though he could fly, I don't recall ever hearing that Superman could fly at speeds that would somehow make him undetectable to radar; I also don't think Superman could use his heat vision to immolate Batman from a mile away, I've seen no indication that this particular ability is that powerful. And Superman had x-ray vision....yeah, I don't really see that helping here.
ADVANTAGE: Batman, unless he gets lazy and Superman snaps his neck
Pirates vs. Ninjas
Ahh, the quintessential argument of historic rivals which refuses to die thanks to anyone in high school or college. Even if you assume they were both around in the 1600's-1800's, a ninja and "pirate" (in the Johnny Depp sense) probably never crossed blades due to the intercontinental gap between them and this perhaps is the main reason why the argument for both lives on to this day. Let's assume that the world's greatest ninja and the world's greatest pirate faced off against each other in some sort of octagon. I'd allow that if firearms were permitted, the ninja would probably get capped in the dome on account of the fact that the pirate likely is more proficient with flintlock guns. However, if you're talking hand-to-hand....I'm not sure you can argue that a pirate armed with a cutlass and maybe a grenade would be able to take a ninja with a kitana, shuriken, smoke grenades, flash powder and one of those sweet grappling claws.
However, a group deathmatch between comparably matched ninjas and pirates becomes harder to evaluate since both of them preferred combat in unique circumstances, i.e. the high seas and nighttime. So assuming you stuck them both at opposite ends of a coliseum and told them to go at it, you'd be asking for a pretty epic bloodbath, but one in which I think the ninjas would come out on top. Why? Let's assume the teams get the green light and bum rush each other. The pirates would be able to get off two shots at most with their inaccurate Revolutionary War-era pistols and after that, assuming that a good number of ninjas survived the initial volley, it'd basically be curtains. Also, the ninjas could answer with a volley of their own by deploying some epic smoke screens and chucked some throwing stars before-hand.
ADVANTAGE: Ninjas in a pinch
Sunday, August 3, 2008
In Defense of Toronto
You know, overall Canada's not a bad place despite America (and England 's) knee-jerk tendency to malign it at every opportunity, in fact the main point I'm asserting here is that if anything, more cities should aspire to be like Toronto. I recently had the privilege of bumming around Toronto and the metro area after an eleven year hiatus from visiting the city, and I have to say that there's more going on than people will give credit for.
Oh, and here are the main reason why Toronto is pretty fucking sweet:
1. They play 90s music fairly frequently
American (non-satellite) radio stations have this shitty tendency to overplay songs to death due to the fact that their "countdowns" never consist of anything outside of the American Top 40, and accordingly, rarely include anything more than two years old. Canada however, is like the eighty year old man who just does not give a crap any more and will play whatever the hell they feel like. I was treated to a delightful audio trip down memory lane at no less than three of the random coffee shops/restaurants I walked into, and we're talking some obscure freaking songs...like the ones that you vaguely remember from when you were seven, but can't quite put a finger on the artist or title. It's amazing how Canada gets it, but the musical country of origin is more interested in the new single T-Pain just came out with.
2. Rollerblades
Yep, they use 'em, and to a pretty high extent I might add. Going off the whole "the 90s was immeasurably better than the 2000s" tack, I saw no shortage of people in the metro-Toronto area getting around the suburbs on these four wheeled, inappropriately-placed brake wonders. The best part about this was probably the fact that Canadians proved rollerblades can be used without a fanny pak and helmet with neon colors.
3. It's actually...diverse
And not even fake diversity, i.e. when there's a lot of one minority that works in the service industry and doesn't really interact with other groups...I even went to a restaurant that was some sort of openly gay establishment (there was a gay pride flag flying right outside, beat that middle America). In all honesty, for a city of 2.5 million, Toronto's outdone itself in terms of how many different shades of people live in the area. I'm not denying that these groups have their differences, which periodically creates trouble, but good on the people of Toronto for becoming an international city in every sense of the word.
4. They have the highest population of incidentally hot girls I've ever seen
Here's what I mean by that: from what I've heard, Toronto gets ragged on for not having the best-looking female populace, but I think that's a little unfounded. The trick is that you don't find good looking girls in typical places there (i.e. clubs, bars, the mall). Usually, you'll catch a passing glance at them walking the other way on the street or walking to the bathroom in a restaurant. In my personal experience, I did a whole lot of double-takes because hot chicks walked by me when I was in the walking "zone" where I don't usually like to be disturbed. That being said, Toronto's a good-looking city, you just won't see the ladies oot and aboot like you normally do.
Oh, and here are the main reason why Toronto is pretty fucking sweet:
1. They play 90s music fairly frequently
American (non-satellite) radio stations have this shitty tendency to overplay songs to death due to the fact that their "countdowns" never consist of anything outside of the American Top 40, and accordingly, rarely include anything more than two years old. Canada however, is like the eighty year old man who just does not give a crap any more and will play whatever the hell they feel like. I was treated to a delightful audio trip down memory lane at no less than three of the random coffee shops/restaurants I walked into, and we're talking some obscure freaking songs...like the ones that you vaguely remember from when you were seven, but can't quite put a finger on the artist or title. It's amazing how Canada gets it, but the musical country of origin is more interested in the new single T-Pain just came out with.
2. Rollerblades
Yep, they use 'em, and to a pretty high extent I might add. Going off the whole "the 90s was immeasurably better than the 2000s" tack, I saw no shortage of people in the metro-Toronto area getting around the suburbs on these four wheeled, inappropriately-placed brake wonders. The best part about this was probably the fact that Canadians proved rollerblades can be used without a fanny pak and helmet with neon colors.
3. It's actually...diverse
And not even fake diversity, i.e. when there's a lot of one minority that works in the service industry and doesn't really interact with other groups...I even went to a restaurant that was some sort of openly gay establishment (there was a gay pride flag flying right outside, beat that middle America). In all honesty, for a city of 2.5 million, Toronto's outdone itself in terms of how many different shades of people live in the area. I'm not denying that these groups have their differences, which periodically creates trouble, but good on the people of Toronto for becoming an international city in every sense of the word.
4. They have the highest population of incidentally hot girls I've ever seen
Here's what I mean by that: from what I've heard, Toronto gets ragged on for not having the best-looking female populace, but I think that's a little unfounded. The trick is that you don't find good looking girls in typical places there (i.e. clubs, bars, the mall). Usually, you'll catch a passing glance at them walking the other way on the street or walking to the bathroom in a restaurant. In my personal experience, I did a whole lot of double-takes because hot chicks walked by me when I was in the walking "zone" where I don't usually like to be disturbed. That being said, Toronto's a good-looking city, you just won't see the ladies oot and aboot like you normally do.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Top 10 Most Recognizable Songs (By Intro)
America's musical history has been fortunate enough that there are a multitude of hit songs that, when heard on the radio or iPod, people can immediately identify. This is made easier by the fact that some of the better songs ever made have a catchy intro or opening instrumental that immediately get people's heads nodding, or evoke some nostalgic memory. So here's my subjective top 10 list of the songs you can't help but listen to:
10. "Crazy Train", Black Sabbath
When you hear Ozzie shout, "ALLLL ABOOOOAARRD", I think everyone knows that the "AAI AAI AAI" part is next. 'Nuff said.
9. "Purple Haze", Jimi Hendrix
The catchiest guitar music seems to be the stuff that's simple when you're looking at the tabs but eloquent in its nature, and "Purple Haze" certainly meets those specifications. I know next to nothing about playing the guitar, but Hendrix's talent was so great, that even I knew when I was listening to someone who was a master at their craft.
8. "Smoke on the Water", Deep Purple
I was trying to figure out where to put this song and having some difficulty, because the beginning guitar part is what everyone remembers, but beyond that, not a whole lot else. I was never in a high school band, so it took me until I was 18 to learn that the band's name was Deep Purple and in actual fact, the song itself is pretty freakin' long.
7. "Final Countdown", Europe
You're damn right I went out of my way to put 80s music on this list. Perhaps it was because the lyrics of their songs were so non-substantive that most bands around this time just went for broke on the instrumentals. The go-to song of playoff basketball for two decades.
6. "100 Years", Five for Fighting
I was racking my brain trying to figure out the 21st century's contribution to this list, when this song exploded in my mind. Was it #1 on American Top 40? I'm pretty sure it wasn't, since it's really sappy. But when that piano first starts playing and you don't suffer a wave of nostalgia about SOMETHING, you're a soulless prick.
5. "I Want It That Way", Backstreet Boys
In an era where songs were driven totally by catchiness and not at all by lyrical sophistication, this song reigns supreme. If you assume that half of the United States population is below the age of 35 (or not, I don't care), that's as good as saying that 150 million people know more of the words to this song than they let on. As a straight male, I tried to think of every reason to NOT put this song on the list...and then I realized that I could lip-synch 80% of the words.
4. "Ants Marching", DMB
You sorta have to give Dave the benefit of the doubt with a list like this, as his music helps define an entire generation. Anyone in the 18-30 crowd has been living under a rock if they've never heard this song before and don't know a couple lines from it. I don't even listen to Dave Matthews Band that much anymore, but when those saxophones start playing, nine times out of ten, I'll stop and listen to the song the entire way through.
3. "I Want You Back", Jackson 5
Ahhh, to have a young(er) Michael Jackson again...I'm pretty sure this is the only song on the list that exalts the bass guitar in the opening, because it's the bass-line that everyone remembers in the song, even if the only other part you remember is the chorus.
2. "Sweet Home Alabama", Lynyrd Skynyrd
The opening guitar is good for TV shows, it's good for commercials and its good for movies. I figure something this timeless and marketable can't be anywhere lower than the top 3 and reps a state that at the time was probably better known for its folksy institutional racism.
1. "Billy Jean", Michael Jackson
Of course Michael has to be on this list more than once, we're talking about an artist with a fan base on every continent (I'm assuming scientists in Antarctica love his stuff too). You gotta hand it to this song, the only thing you hear at first is that simple drum beat, but everyone knows what comes next. A true generation gap-bridger.
10. "Crazy Train", Black Sabbath
When you hear Ozzie shout, "ALLLL ABOOOOAARRD", I think everyone knows that the "AAI AAI AAI" part is next. 'Nuff said.
9. "Purple Haze", Jimi Hendrix
The catchiest guitar music seems to be the stuff that's simple when you're looking at the tabs but eloquent in its nature, and "Purple Haze" certainly meets those specifications. I know next to nothing about playing the guitar, but Hendrix's talent was so great, that even I knew when I was listening to someone who was a master at their craft.
8. "Smoke on the Water", Deep Purple
I was trying to figure out where to put this song and having some difficulty, because the beginning guitar part is what everyone remembers, but beyond that, not a whole lot else. I was never in a high school band, so it took me until I was 18 to learn that the band's name was Deep Purple and in actual fact, the song itself is pretty freakin' long.
7. "Final Countdown", Europe
You're damn right I went out of my way to put 80s music on this list. Perhaps it was because the lyrics of their songs were so non-substantive that most bands around this time just went for broke on the instrumentals. The go-to song of playoff basketball for two decades.
6. "100 Years", Five for Fighting
I was racking my brain trying to figure out the 21st century's contribution to this list, when this song exploded in my mind. Was it #1 on American Top 40? I'm pretty sure it wasn't, since it's really sappy. But when that piano first starts playing and you don't suffer a wave of nostalgia about SOMETHING, you're a soulless prick.
5. "I Want It That Way", Backstreet Boys
In an era where songs were driven totally by catchiness and not at all by lyrical sophistication, this song reigns supreme. If you assume that half of the United States population is below the age of 35 (or not, I don't care), that's as good as saying that 150 million people know more of the words to this song than they let on. As a straight male, I tried to think of every reason to NOT put this song on the list...and then I realized that I could lip-synch 80% of the words.
4. "Ants Marching", DMB
You sorta have to give Dave the benefit of the doubt with a list like this, as his music helps define an entire generation. Anyone in the 18-30 crowd has been living under a rock if they've never heard this song before and don't know a couple lines from it. I don't even listen to Dave Matthews Band that much anymore, but when those saxophones start playing, nine times out of ten, I'll stop and listen to the song the entire way through.
3. "I Want You Back", Jackson 5
Ahhh, to have a young(er) Michael Jackson again...I'm pretty sure this is the only song on the list that exalts the bass guitar in the opening, because it's the bass-line that everyone remembers in the song, even if the only other part you remember is the chorus.
2. "Sweet Home Alabama", Lynyrd Skynyrd
The opening guitar is good for TV shows, it's good for commercials and its good for movies. I figure something this timeless and marketable can't be anywhere lower than the top 3 and reps a state that at the time was probably better known for its folksy institutional racism.
1. "Billy Jean", Michael Jackson
Of course Michael has to be on this list more than once, we're talking about an artist with a fan base on every continent (I'm assuming scientists in Antarctica love his stuff too). You gotta hand it to this song, the only thing you hear at first is that simple drum beat, but everyone knows what comes next. A true generation gap-bridger.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Movies I Consider Overrated
Sort of on the wings of the Harry Potter post, I'd also like to submit several movies that most people enjoy, which I consider overrated. This could be for any number of reasons such as un-inventive writing, over-reliance on cinematography and/or CGI but the biggest reason is because the filmmakers intentionally preyed upon the American publics' proclivity towards vicarious living. Which brings me to my first and probably most difficult case:
The Boondock Saints
Let me start off by saying I like the Boondock Saints and found it to be an entertaining film from start to finish (especially the protracted erroneous debate about the "rule of thumb" in the beginning). However, I think that people, especially from my generation, treat this movie as the gospel if for no other reason than they like to live vicariously through the two brothers. The main reason this movie is so good is because it touches on some of America's favorite controversial subjects such as vigilante justice, shameless violence, the militancy of the Irish, and Willem Dafoe. Who wouldn't want to go around capping baddies while having Latin inscriptions tattooed on your knuckles? It makes for good film and lets people identify with a gratuitously violent cause that everyone secretly thinks is just. Having said that however, if you take a step back from it, the movie seems intensely narrow in scope and in my opinion ends on a short and absurdly over the top note (i.e. Willem Dafoe going all tranny and the brothers and their pappy shooting the mob boss after saying that hokey "prayer"). So again, I think the Boondock Saints is a good movie, it even straddles the line with being great; but a lot of people think it walks on water and I don't agree.
Fight Club
In a lot of ways, Fight Club relies even more on vicarious living than Boondock Saints because of its commentary on the rat race of corporate America. I'm not gainfully employed as a pencil pusher somewhere, but surely there's a ton of guys with pent-up rage about where they work who would love to curb-stomp their coworkers with no repercussions if they could. Another thing that makes me like this movie is that Brad Pitt turns in a good performance, and by that, I mean he's as believable as a multiple personality can be and he actually has some inflection in his voice while delivering lines. The flip side to this is that I feel the director could have delivered the same stuff without the cinematography being so gritty and over the top (most people would rather not be exposed to a subliminal image of a dude's wang, what sort of symbolism could there be in that?). Not only that, but was there no other way to progress to the great plot twist at the end without the ridiculous idea of turning Fight Club into a terrorist group? I recognize that this is one of the seminal movies at the turn of the 21st century, but I can't help but wonder if people wouldn't view it more critically if not for the sterling performances of Pitt and Norton.
300
As of now, 300 has probably become my favorite movie to claim as overrated, if only because a lot of other people agree with me. This represents the most far-fetched version of vicarious escapism, yet people love it for its hyper-adrenaline, testosterone-infused look and feel. 300 is one of two movies on this list which I genuinely dislike on the whole for a few reasons. First of all is my own personal bias: I like my war movies to be epic in scope, with sicknasty but REALISTIC fighting even down to the first-person shaky camera cinematography from Saving Private Ryan. Therefore, it's easy to gauge my distaste for this movie, because 300 didn't really hit on any of this criteria. Everything was shot so close up and in slow motion to the point where it looked like Leonidas versus twenty guys instead of the three hundred Spartans versus the hundreds of thousands of Persians. Moreover, I thought the dialog was stilted and at times idiotic (the narrator started to annoy me after a while), good for a few sound bytes, but not much else. I liked Sin City, and I feel like dark comics such as that are where Frank Miller should stay, not in what could have been the most badass movie since Gladiator.
Crash
And finally, the movie I really, REALLY don't like, to the point where I'd say it was the biggest steaming piece of shit to ever win Best Picture. Prior to actually watching Crash, I'll admit I was sucked into the rave reviews of my (white) peers, who told me to go out and watch the movie all in one sitting, ASAP. Well I did, and looking back on it, I probably should have taken a break between each contrived subplot to go get too drunk to taste this chicken, because it would've made for a more enjoyable experience. There's really no good place to start with Crash, because I hated all of it, but just for schnitzengiggles, let's begin with the fact that they had to compile an all-star cast just to get their sanctimonious point across. Nothing informs me more about race relations in America than a painful argument between Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock after Ludacris has just jacked their car. And might I add that if not for Ryan Phillippe, I never would have understood the endemic corruption and brutality of America's police departments. I personally resent the fact that they had to collect these A-listers to really drive home their all too obvious points on race in the United States (i.e. you better believe what this movie has to say, because Don Cheadle is an articulate black actor, so....yeah). It speaks volumes about American culture that a (substandard) movie had to come along in order to kick-start national dialogue about how Americans of different ethnicities interact with each other. I'm not too sure, but I think what the point of the movie was is that people of different races don't always get along, but in the end what unites us is our humanity and empathy. What? You mean I didn't have to spend two hours and millions of dollars just to say all that? Get out of town.
The Boondock Saints
Let me start off by saying I like the Boondock Saints and found it to be an entertaining film from start to finish (especially the protracted erroneous debate about the "rule of thumb" in the beginning). However, I think that people, especially from my generation, treat this movie as the gospel if for no other reason than they like to live vicariously through the two brothers. The main reason this movie is so good is because it touches on some of America's favorite controversial subjects such as vigilante justice, shameless violence, the militancy of the Irish, and Willem Dafoe. Who wouldn't want to go around capping baddies while having Latin inscriptions tattooed on your knuckles? It makes for good film and lets people identify with a gratuitously violent cause that everyone secretly thinks is just. Having said that however, if you take a step back from it, the movie seems intensely narrow in scope and in my opinion ends on a short and absurdly over the top note (i.e. Willem Dafoe going all tranny and the brothers and their pappy shooting the mob boss after saying that hokey "prayer"). So again, I think the Boondock Saints is a good movie, it even straddles the line with being great; but a lot of people think it walks on water and I don't agree.
Fight Club
In a lot of ways, Fight Club relies even more on vicarious living than Boondock Saints because of its commentary on the rat race of corporate America. I'm not gainfully employed as a pencil pusher somewhere, but surely there's a ton of guys with pent-up rage about where they work who would love to curb-stomp their coworkers with no repercussions if they could. Another thing that makes me like this movie is that Brad Pitt turns in a good performance, and by that, I mean he's as believable as a multiple personality can be and he actually has some inflection in his voice while delivering lines. The flip side to this is that I feel the director could have delivered the same stuff without the cinematography being so gritty and over the top (most people would rather not be exposed to a subliminal image of a dude's wang, what sort of symbolism could there be in that?). Not only that, but was there no other way to progress to the great plot twist at the end without the ridiculous idea of turning Fight Club into a terrorist group? I recognize that this is one of the seminal movies at the turn of the 21st century, but I can't help but wonder if people wouldn't view it more critically if not for the sterling performances of Pitt and Norton.
300
As of now, 300 has probably become my favorite movie to claim as overrated, if only because a lot of other people agree with me. This represents the most far-fetched version of vicarious escapism, yet people love it for its hyper-adrenaline, testosterone-infused look and feel. 300 is one of two movies on this list which I genuinely dislike on the whole for a few reasons. First of all is my own personal bias: I like my war movies to be epic in scope, with sicknasty but REALISTIC fighting even down to the first-person shaky camera cinematography from Saving Private Ryan. Therefore, it's easy to gauge my distaste for this movie, because 300 didn't really hit on any of this criteria. Everything was shot so close up and in slow motion to the point where it looked like Leonidas versus twenty guys instead of the three hundred Spartans versus the hundreds of thousands of Persians. Moreover, I thought the dialog was stilted and at times idiotic (the narrator started to annoy me after a while), good for a few sound bytes, but not much else. I liked Sin City, and I feel like dark comics such as that are where Frank Miller should stay, not in what could have been the most badass movie since Gladiator.
Crash
And finally, the movie I really, REALLY don't like, to the point where I'd say it was the biggest steaming piece of shit to ever win Best Picture. Prior to actually watching Crash, I'll admit I was sucked into the rave reviews of my (white) peers, who told me to go out and watch the movie all in one sitting, ASAP. Well I did, and looking back on it, I probably should have taken a break between each contrived subplot to go get too drunk to taste this chicken, because it would've made for a more enjoyable experience. There's really no good place to start with Crash, because I hated all of it, but just for schnitzengiggles, let's begin with the fact that they had to compile an all-star cast just to get their sanctimonious point across. Nothing informs me more about race relations in America than a painful argument between Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock after Ludacris has just jacked their car. And might I add that if not for Ryan Phillippe, I never would have understood the endemic corruption and brutality of America's police departments. I personally resent the fact that they had to collect these A-listers to really drive home their all too obvious points on race in the United States (i.e. you better believe what this movie has to say, because Don Cheadle is an articulate black actor, so....yeah). It speaks volumes about American culture that a (substandard) movie had to come along in order to kick-start national dialogue about how Americans of different ethnicities interact with each other. I'm not too sure, but I think what the point of the movie was is that people of different races don't always get along, but in the end what unites us is our humanity and empathy. What? You mean I didn't have to spend two hours and millions of dollars just to say all that? Get out of town.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Harry Potter Makes Me Sad
Nothing will have a better chance of making me shit myself later in life than if people end up regarding J.K. Rowling as one of the greatest authors of the 20th/21st century. I recently had a protracted debate about the legitimacy and general merit of the Harry Potter series where I obviously took the anti-Potter perspective purely in the context that I believe she should not be exalted to the point that she is today. This is not meant to be some mean-spirited libelous attack on Ms. Rowling, she happens to have created and continues to support many charitable causes (don't believe me? Wikipedia it.) What this is meant to do is provide a dose of realism and a different perspective on the legacy of the Harry Potter series so that hopefully twenty years from now people won't speak of Rowling and someone like Tom Clancy or Michael Crichton in the same breath.
The first argument that a lot of people give me about the Harry Potter series is "at least it's getting people to read". I used to buy into this argument as well until I realized it isn't the best idea to accept the bare minimum in terms of intellectual pursuits. I've tried to read Harry Potter, and while it does not particularly agree with me, I can see how people use it as a source of harmless escapism, which is fine and good perhaps if you're still in middle school. First and foremost, it's probably a safe bet that there are scores of fantasy writers out there who are at least as good at writing a story as Rowling, yet because there is no hype machine behind them, they're doomed to languish on the shelves. To be honest, I barely view the Harry Potter series as a step up from those anime graphic novels that people read: entertaining, but surely more worthwhile books are out there that will help you intellectually as well. To my mind, no children's author has surpassed Roald Dahl, yet his estate is not worth more than a billion dollars and Rowling's is; I can only attribute this to the fact that the Harry Potter series is more irrepressible fad than truly substantive literature.
My perspective on the issue is grounded primarily in the idea that reading something, especially when you are young should expand your mind and open you up to new literary horizons. Essentially, you need to get something meaningful out of what you're reading in order to validate your time. When I was younger, I read Calvin and Hobbes comics because in addition to being funny, I deeply identified with Bill Watterson's perspective on life. When I was in middle school, I got my jollies out with science fiction as a bridge to adult fiction from preeminent authors such as Clancy, Grisham and James Clavell. The point here is that after a while, science fiction and fantasy became a phase in the reading I had done, and the best of these books I might take out occasionally to glance over for bathroom reading, but after a point I knew I had to make my way down to the Politics and Government section at Barnes and Noble as well.
Whether due to pervasive anti-intellectualism in American culture (think about it, how many Facebook friends that you have don't like to read?) or the fickle tendency of people to not look beyond the author de jure, the Harry Potter series has become a critical success while entire bookstores across America close. I am not saying that J.K. Rowling does not deserve the success she has had, millions of people can't be wrong; I am saying however, that with the multitude of other competent writers out there, she has been TOO successful. Perhaps if people are willing to wait hours for Harry Potter books, they should also make sure to buy another book from anywhere but the Cooking section; that's how I personally have found the best and most meaningful books I have ever read.
The first argument that a lot of people give me about the Harry Potter series is "at least it's getting people to read". I used to buy into this argument as well until I realized it isn't the best idea to accept the bare minimum in terms of intellectual pursuits. I've tried to read Harry Potter, and while it does not particularly agree with me, I can see how people use it as a source of harmless escapism, which is fine and good perhaps if you're still in middle school. First and foremost, it's probably a safe bet that there are scores of fantasy writers out there who are at least as good at writing a story as Rowling, yet because there is no hype machine behind them, they're doomed to languish on the shelves. To be honest, I barely view the Harry Potter series as a step up from those anime graphic novels that people read: entertaining, but surely more worthwhile books are out there that will help you intellectually as well. To my mind, no children's author has surpassed Roald Dahl, yet his estate is not worth more than a billion dollars and Rowling's is; I can only attribute this to the fact that the Harry Potter series is more irrepressible fad than truly substantive literature.
My perspective on the issue is grounded primarily in the idea that reading something, especially when you are young should expand your mind and open you up to new literary horizons. Essentially, you need to get something meaningful out of what you're reading in order to validate your time. When I was younger, I read Calvin and Hobbes comics because in addition to being funny, I deeply identified with Bill Watterson's perspective on life. When I was in middle school, I got my jollies out with science fiction as a bridge to adult fiction from preeminent authors such as Clancy, Grisham and James Clavell. The point here is that after a while, science fiction and fantasy became a phase in the reading I had done, and the best of these books I might take out occasionally to glance over for bathroom reading, but after a point I knew I had to make my way down to the Politics and Government section at Barnes and Noble as well.
Whether due to pervasive anti-intellectualism in American culture (think about it, how many Facebook friends that you have don't like to read?) or the fickle tendency of people to not look beyond the author de jure, the Harry Potter series has become a critical success while entire bookstores across America close. I am not saying that J.K. Rowling does not deserve the success she has had, millions of people can't be wrong; I am saying however, that with the multitude of other competent writers out there, she has been TOO successful. Perhaps if people are willing to wait hours for Harry Potter books, they should also make sure to buy another book from anywhere but the Cooking section; that's how I personally have found the best and most meaningful books I have ever read.
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