An Event-Filled Week

For the first time in a while, I went out this week more than I stayed in, a fun but not generally advisable way to live your life post-college. So here's a cursory breakdown of the different days that I went out from Sunday to now:

Sunday:
My roomie's birthday is tomorrow so we scope out the local bar where we want to celebrate, i.e. we think of a flimsy excuse to get drunk on a Sunday. We start pre-gaming and end up at the bar sort of late; it is Sunday so no one is there except us. We play pool and drink, I personally am waiting for the gay Korean vacuum salesman to show up and hit on one of the other teachers (note: I honestly feel that being a "gay Korean vacuum salesman" should give you pseudo-celebrity status no matter what country you're in). We shoot pool by ourselves and yell at the bar girls for no reason. Then we go to McDonalds and get too much food. I microwaved my Big Mac when I got home and burned my mouth. Life is good.


Monday:
It is now my roomie's birthday party and we've arranged a surprise party that has somehow been kept on the DL for at least a week. Between classes I make a very quick trip downtown and buy us matching t-shirts, despite him clearly mentioning that he doesn't want gifts. After class everyone makes their way over to the party while the roomie is distracted by going out for a quick birthday drink. The party is a success, despite people failing to yell "surprise!" and come out on cue. We play beer pong with our students, everyone gets schmammered and then we go downtown. There is a breakdown in communication and people end up at the wrong bar, including me. I order a Mai Thai that has no fruit juice in it, so whatever the opposite of a virgin drink is, it was basically that. This makes me mad so I end up meeting some acquaintances for food at 2 AM. I remember that the Mai Thai cost me 50 yuan, which makes me mad, so I go home. Yeah...that's about it.

Wednesday:
After a day of rest, we go to an invite-only party with free food and beer or as agnostics call it, heaven. After drinking too much, I catch my second wind and drink more. People are lame so I have to pass up an offer to sing karaoke, which makes me somewhat annoyed seeing as how the party was winding down by 10 PM. Things start getting weird around 1 AM and I start getting pissed that I'm still in the same place; my phone runs out of batteries, which I use as my reason to leave. After that I meet a girl who I like after she gets of work at around 2 AM (TWO FUCKING A.M.) and we go with her friends to a restaurant I don't recognize where they dote on me like I'm an idiot ten year-old. At dinner number two they proceed to do random things like give me milk from a bag, get soup with chicken's feet and tell me to not be polite with them and thus not say impolite words such as "thank you" and "I'm sorry". I don't need to tell you how difficult it is to avoid saying "thank you" and "I'm sorry" to a group of girls when you're in another country. We leave at about 3:30 which is good because I am tired, still buzzed and my contacts are digging into the back of my corneas.

Thursday:
The supposed culmination of the week. There's a party bus to Suzhou (a neighboring big city) and I'm on it! I make the rookie mistake of forgetting to bring booze with me on the bus, which turns out to be a blessing in disguise as the bus gets lost and by the end of the trip several people have to get out and pee in the nearby lake. When we get there, my first impression is how recockulously lame the party is. Aside from the people from the party bus, there couldn't have been ten other people there, all of whom were sketchy foreigners and skanky Chinese girls. The mixed drinks taste like Kool-Aid from camp with a touch of vodka and the beer isn't cold; this couldn't possibly bode well, says I. At some point I get drunk, and two people partially spill their drinks on me, luckily they are girls so I resist the urge to keel-haul them, whatever that means. People start leaving at around 1:30 and my efforts to steal a footrest from the club are thwarted when other people foolishly follow my lead, thereby tipping off the staff. Apparently, Suzhou has a curfew because none of the other clubs are open, but on the way there a girl shows me her booby and I was not opposed. The party scene blows so we get back on the bus, where a hot chick passes out on me. She is heinously drunk and I am petrified that she will throw up on me. Thankfully she doesn't due in large part to my ability to sing "Hush Little Baby" in T-Pain's synthesized voice. We make it back home by 3:30 or so and the girl feels like a big bag of sand. Now I know what some people may be thinking, and the answer is that no I did not make out with her. In fact, after I carried her down from the bus and went back to look for her shoes, she had already peed on her feet. I caught a cab back home with a Turkish guy who was wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates hat and had a nice long sleep, interrupted only by the loudspeakers playing creepy music from the neighboring kindergarten.