The Greatest "Who Would Win" Disputes Settled

Have you ever been in a heated debate with a friend about who would win between Person X and Person Y, then all of a sudden, your counterpart busts out a totally sick argument that leaves you stumped and unable to think of a rebuttal? Well, worry about that no longer, here is my personal (and exhaustively researched) take on who would win between some of the most prominent rivals in the history of the entire fucking world.


The World's Greatest Knight (not named Lancelot or King Arthur) vs. The World's Best Samurai (not named Tom Cruise)
I had this debate back in high school and the results were sort of inconclusive, owing in large part to the fact that a knight and samurai, while similar, fought in two very different fashions. For example, let's assume that the two faced each other on horseback and the samurai was not allowed to use a bow and arrow because that shit would be cheap. If the knight could still use his lance, then I give this to the knight because no matter how good a swordsman the samurai is, the knight has a reach advantage of like, seven feet. However, if they're only using swords, then whether they fight on horseback or on foot, I'd give the match to the samurai. I don't doubt that the knight has skillz that killz, but so does the samurai, who would likely have a better sword and lighter, more flexible armor.

ADVANTAGE: Samurai

Muhammad Ali in his prime vs. Mike Tyson in his prime
I don't think I've ever seen this argument reach any semblance of a conclusion because people are so adamant one way or the other, either because they're nostalgic about Ali or because they watch Iron Mike on YouTube. First of all, let's start with the attributes both of them would bring: Ali's jab was fast, accurate and had insane reach. Mike Tyson was equally fast, and he possessed knockout power in both hands. Ali's defense came mainly from his footwork and his ability to float around the ring so as to not let brawlers like Tyson in too close. Conversely, Tyson's defense was due to his quickness and the high "peekaboo" guard he used while cutting the ring off from opponents who relied on footwork (i.e. Ali). As to the actual fight, let's say they're placed in a regulation size boxing ring for a twelve round bout. Once the first round was underway, I believe Ali would initially be in trouble. Ali had never faced anyone close to the type of physical specimen Tyson represented, whereas by Mike's time, fast heavyweights were more common. Moreover, I don't believe Ali ever faced anyone as fast as him while in his prime, and would likely be overconfident to the point that Tyson could score a lunging knockdown within the first few rounds while Ali "danced" in the ring.

However, once you factor in intangible factors into the fight, the balance tips Ali's way. For one thing, Ali was one of the most intelligent fighters in the history of boxing and had the drive to keep going even when the odds were stacked against him. Tyson, when compared to Ali, was a mental midget in the ring who had a hard time adjusting on the fly against craftier opponents and who usually became dumbfounded once his headlong flurries were parried. For those in Ali's corner, look no further than the match against journeyman Buster Douglas, widely regarded as the greatest upset in the history of the sport. I assume for the sake of argument that Ali would adopt essentially the same strategy of frustrating Tyson by clinching before Tyson could get his feet set and planting jabs once he was well out of the much shorter boxer's range. As a final caveat to this match-up, no one deserves the term "a puncher's chance" more than Mike, so I'd say Ali would win in the later rounds...provided a Tyson left hook didn't result in involuntary jaw removal.

ADVANTAGE: Ali, but barely

Batman (the Christian Bale/cartoon series version) vs. Superman (the Christopher Reeve version)
Let's get one thing out in the open right away: I'm biased towards Batman, but I'll admit that if Superman lands some epic haymaker on Bruce Wayne...it's basically curtains. That being said, Batman has the gadgets, the vehicles and the smarts to hang with (in my opinion) the most cliched superhero of all time. With the physical/superpower advantage clearly belonging to Superman (remember, Batman has NO superpowers), let's also take into account the fact that Supes also had a major Achilles heel, i.e. kryptonite. Anyone who says that Batman wouldn't have the resources or know-how to work that to his advantage best check themselves before they wreck themselves, because that alone could prove to be the decisive factor in this match-up. After getting kicked in the pud by a kryptonite-toed boot, you'd have to figure that Superman's powers would be neutralized long enough for Batman to put the hurt on him in some dark and twisted fashion. But let's say they didn't just meet face to face and start to rumble...even if Superman was trying to get the drop on Batman I don't think he'd succeed. For one thing, even though he could fly, I don't recall ever hearing that Superman could fly at speeds that would somehow make him undetectable to radar; I also don't think Superman could use his heat vision to immolate Batman from a mile away, I've seen no indication that this particular ability is that powerful. And Superman had x-ray vision....yeah, I don't really see that helping here.

ADVANTAGE: Batman, unless he gets lazy and Superman snaps his neck

Pirates vs. Ninjas
Ahh, the quintessential argument of historic rivals which refuses to die thanks to anyone in high school or college. Even if you assume they were both around in the 1600's-1800's, a ninja and "pirate" (in the Johnny Depp sense) probably never crossed blades due to the intercontinental gap between them and this perhaps is the main reason why the argument for both lives on to this day. Let's assume that the world's greatest ninja and the world's greatest pirate faced off against each other in some sort of octagon. I'd allow that if firearms were permitted, the ninja would probably get capped in the dome on account of the fact that the pirate likely is more proficient with flintlock guns. However, if you're talking hand-to-hand....I'm not sure you can argue that a pirate armed with a cutlass and maybe a grenade would be able to take a ninja with a kitana, shuriken, smoke grenades, flash powder and one of those sweet grappling claws.

However, a group deathmatch between comparably matched ninjas and pirates becomes harder to evaluate since both of them preferred combat in unique circumstances, i.e. the high seas and nighttime. So assuming you stuck them both at opposite ends of a coliseum and told them to go at it, you'd be asking for a pretty epic bloodbath, but one in which I think the ninjas would come out on top. Why? Let's assume the teams get the green light and bum rush each other. The pirates would be able to get off two shots at most with their inaccurate Revolutionary War-era pistols and after that, assuming that a good number of ninjas survived the initial volley, it'd basically be curtains. Also, the ninjas could answer with a volley of their own by deploying some epic smoke screens and chucked some throwing stars before-hand.

ADVANTAGE: Ninjas in a pinch

In Defense of Toronto

You know, overall Canada's not a bad place despite America (and England 's) knee-jerk tendency to malign it at every opportunity, in fact the main point I'm asserting here is that if anything, more cities should aspire to be like Toronto. I recently had the privilege of bumming around Toronto and the metro area after an eleven year hiatus from visiting the city, and I have to say that there's more going on than people will give credit for.

Oh, and here are the main reason why Toronto is pretty fucking sweet:

1. They play 90s music fairly frequently
American (non-satellite) radio stations have this shitty tendency to overplay songs to death due to the fact that their "countdowns" never consist of anything outside of the American Top 40, and accordingly, rarely include anything more than two years old. Canada however, is like the eighty year old man who just does not give a crap any more and will play whatever the hell they feel like. I was treated to a delightful audio trip down memory lane at no less than three of the random coffee shops/restaurants I walked into, and we're talking some obscure freaking songs...like the ones that you vaguely remember from when you were seven, but can't quite put a finger on the artist or title. It's amazing how Canada gets it, but the musical country of origin is more interested in the new single T-Pain just came out with.

2. Rollerblades
Yep, they use 'em, and to a pretty high extent I might add. Going off the whole "the 90s was immeasurably better than the 2000s" tack, I saw no shortage of people in the metro-Toronto area getting around the suburbs on these four wheeled, inappropriately-placed brake wonders. The best part about this was probably the fact that Canadians proved rollerblades can be used without a fanny pak and helmet with neon colors.

3. It's actually...diverse
And not even fake diversity, i.e. when there's a lot of one minority that works in the service industry and doesn't really interact with other groups...I even went to a restaurant that was some sort of openly gay establishment (there was a gay pride flag flying right outside, beat that middle America). In all honesty, for a city of 2.5 million, Toronto's outdone itself in terms of how many different shades of people live in the area. I'm not denying that these groups have their differences, which periodically creates trouble, but good on the people of Toronto for becoming an international city in every sense of the word.

4. They have the highest population of incidentally hot girls I've ever seen
Here's what I mean by that: from what I've heard, Toronto gets ragged on for not having the best-looking female populace, but I think that's a little unfounded. The trick is that you don't find good looking girls in typical places there (i.e. clubs, bars, the mall). Usually, you'll catch a passing glance at them walking the other way on the street or walking to the bathroom in a restaurant. In my personal experience, I did a whole lot of double-takes because hot chicks walked by me when I was in the walking "zone" where I don't usually like to be disturbed. That being said, Toronto's a good-looking city, you just won't see the ladies oot and aboot like you normally do.